Broke Down. Took a Break. About to be Broke.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. It’s been a while since I recorded a podcast episode. It’s been a while since I’ve decided to take a break from overworking every single day. 

I finally reached the point of burnout where I lost all energy and motivation to pursue my passion. I was doing too much out of habit even when it seemed like my efforts were heading nowhere. I was a hamster on a wheel, running as fast as I can but staying in place. I was too cooped up in my own head, my strict routine, and the concrete plans I set for the future.  

You can’t keep doing the same things and expect better results every time. There was something lacking. There were mistakes I was habitually doing because I wasn’t aware of what the right things were. I was stuck with only what I knew because I felt like I didn’t have the time to stop and learn. I needed more knowledge, exposure, and renewed motivation to achieve my goals. I was lost. Yes, I knew where I was, but I didn’t know how to get to where I wanted to go.  

This was it, but it was not.

This life I had now was already how I dreamed my future to be for the longest time. I was living independently in an apartment filled with everything I could possibly need. I had the space and time to write and record my podcasts. I was even blessed with a motorcycle which meant I could go anywhere I wanted to. I had a cat who I considered to be my child. The independence, freedom, and next chapter that I sought for the longest time, I’m finally living. Why wasn’t I appreciating that? Why did I feel lazy, bored, and demotivated at the reality I worked so hard for?  

Something was missing. Something was wrong. No matter how hard I overthought, I couldn’t figure it out.

Going out in the wild.

I decided to take a leave from my designed life for a bit and go outside of my head. It was time to stop everything and recuperate. The outside world was opening up and it was time to wander around. I realized that I was taking life too seriously to the point that I no longer enjoyed it. Time wasn’t running out. There was aplenty and I didn’t have to figure everything out just yet.  

Young, I suddenly realized I was. I was at the prime of my life where I was allowed to be stupid, be a little insane, meet new people, and have some fun. To live with no attachments in a future full of uncertainty started to feel more exciting than scary. Things were out of my control and that did not feel as suffocating anymore. I had done everything to the extent of my abilities and the only thing left to do was wait. I had the right to be a little loose, to be carefree, and to run wild.

I’ve been noticing how I’ve changed. Trauma and my collective past experiences have definitely shifted my perspective on a lot of things. I admit that some of the things that I’ve written on past blogs or said on past podcast episodes, I no longer agree to now. I’m an open vessel, more forgiving, understanding, and compassionate. I was aware of my flaws and was humbled by the sheer greatness of other people. I’ve let go of the fixed pictures in my head and banished all expectations I’ve had from people and the world. Things were how they are, and we don’t know how that will change in the future.

Mastering the art of going with the flow

I’ve been practicing the art of going with the flow. You could ride the flow I discovered. Like surfing, you could stand up, bend your knees and ride the wave until where it can take you. Of course, there were terrible waves and there was a chance you could fall face-first into the water. You could also ride a shallow wave and not even go anywhere at all. You couldn’t force good waves to come, but you could learn how to see them from the horizon. It will take time and practice. Take your chance and go for it. No matter where the waves will lead you, I hope you enjoy the ride.

Energy was something that I was trying to work on. I’ve been uptight and anxious my whole life. Now, it was totally funny how comfy I was with just being. Energy is infectious not only to the people around you but also to the world. I wanted to reasonably draw out the negativity and worries and fill my body with so much light and goodness. I wanted to be a magnet for good things, attractive to the things that I was aspiring for in life. Instead of expectations, I wanted to focus on intention and acknowledge that I am not all that. I was imperfect, humble, and open to personal growth, blessings, and abundance.

I’m not rich so I shouldn’t be enjoying life too much.

At some point, you’d have to admit that as free as you think you are, you’re only limited to doing things you can afford.  The freedom that I was enjoying too much was eating away at my savings fast. I had a money issue that I was supposed to be trying to solve. Ignoring it did not do anything, but make the matter worse. There was this deadline. If I wasn’t able to increase my monthly income by a certain month, I would be scraping the barrel of my savings. I thought it would all work out. I had laid all of my cards on the table and all I had to do was wait. Turns out that I was a little too confident, and all the cards were stacked against me. I was cornered and I could feel the walls closing in.

Distractions do nothing to solve the problem, but you shouldn’t focus on the problem to the point you cannot see beyond it. When you overanalyze everything, it cause you to feel so overwhelmed to the point that you end up paralyzed and depressed. We’re never going to stop having problems, but that shouldn’t discourage us or make us feel defeated already. It’s best to take things one at a time, to choose your battles until you win the war. You will get through this.

It’s Not One or the Other. It’s Balance.

As grave as my situation seems to be, I know that things will turn out alright. We should remember to take a breath, look around, and be grateful for what we have now. Most of the time, it’s the overthinking and the fear of the worst-case scenario that drives us into anxiety and depression. Yes, it does seems like I’m been encountering a series of unfortunate events lately. In my twisted mind, a bad thing had to happen for every good thing that did. But I know that’s not true. These things are not misfortunes, but challenges I’m going to overcome.

Balance I feel is the key. Yes, I can enjoy my youth and take breaks but I should also have goals. I should still have priorities and take corresponding actionable steps. My new guiding principle right now is to “take the time to do things right”. I’ve been noticing how I rush my tasks because I just want to get them done. I was so eager for the outcome, that I was no longer mindful of the process nor was I able to enjoy it. Because of this, I keep making the same mistakes and not solving the problem no matter how many times I try. Learning is part of the process and I should have passion for knowledge if I want to arrive anywhere.

What do I do now?

I missed writing blogs like this: sorting out my feelings without specifics because it structures out my thoughts in a comprehensive way that I could finally understand. I’m once again overexposing myself to people on the internet who do not care, but I also know that nobody would probably read this. People on Google won’t search for “Christian Foremost’s feelings 2023”. I guess I’m writing this more for me. I want to get something out of this blog post, to help propel me into writing or to want to be writing again.

To be fair, during my break I did try to incorporate learning into my routines. I took a bunch of courses about online SEO and researched ways how I could make extra income with my platforms: blog, podcast, and TikTok. I guess, it’s just a bit overwhelming. Taking in information is a lot easier than putting it into practice. I feel like in my head, I have a plan on what I want to do, but when it’s time to finally do it, I black out. I lose confidence in myself and give up the projects I start before I even finish. I get lost in my thoughts to the point that I’m no longer aware of the things happening around me. But now is the time to wake up and see things through.

The actional steps that I need to start on are:

1. Writing relevant SEO blogs that boost my blog’s traffic – I want to write helpful and practical blog posts people actually search for.
2. Monetize my podcast and level it up for the 3rd season – get sponsors and ads for my episodes, bring in more prominent guests, and have more impactful, funny, and entertaining conversations.
3. Sort out my finances and find another source of income- maximize my platforms to have stable cash flow sources so that I could also bless others.

I’m a full adult now and things are freaking tough. I have my independence and freedom, but the cost of it is killing me. I hope to use them instead to my advantage and utilize the space and time to generate more income and good fortune. I have always been resilient, but this is real life now and the stakes are high.

Wake up. It’s time to do things right.

If you’re someone who wants a little help, especially in this digital space, you can check out my work profile so we can work together.

Want more blogs like this? 

Subscribe to the blog to get early updates on latest posts! 

Share this blog and tag your friends!