I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one…

I’m Christian Foremost, a Filipino Blogger/Writer/Podcaster and mental health advocate who writes personal stories of growth, life advice, and refreshing perspectives to inspire you to love yourself. I promote daily journaling as a healthy outlet to express and explore one’s honest thoughts and feelings. The path towards self-discovery and actualization starts by acknowledging your truths and facing your problems head-on.

A hopeless romantic. Is that what I was? It all seems so funny now how obsessed I would be about the idea of finding love. With certainty, I believed my soulmate was out there and I couldn’t wait for our love story to begin! The moment we look into each other’s eyes, we’ll know that we’re meant for each other.

I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one...

My friends will absolutely adore my boyfriend while I still try to hide the relationship from my parents until we’re ready. He’ll tease me about my many insecurities, and I’ll laugh because I know those are the little things that he loves most about me. Life’s everyday struggles ensue, but there is comfort in knowing that we’ll get through them together. I’ll imagine us years into the future: living our dreams and completely satisfied with each moment we spent here on earth. My husband will kiss me on the forehead and say the words I never grew tired of hearing: “I love you and you fill my days with joy and wonder”.

I wanted that. Not a perfect love, but a love that was real. Everybody deserves to be loved like that, right? It just sucks that aside from me, nobody else seems to want this.

I tried to look for love. I tried looking for the one. I searched for affection from the eyes of every guy I dated. I used to get excited thinking “this could be him” and I try my hardest to go and find out if he is. If I could make him smile with my jokes, he’ll keep wanting to talk. If I listen enough, he’ll know that I’ll be there when he needs me. If I give him everything he wants, he wouldn’t find a reason to leave.

I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one...

Before, I would have hidden in denial. I would pretend to be okay whenever another guy ups and leaves without any reason. It was my fault. I read too much into the signs that were never really there. I believed in words that were never backed up by actions. I allowed myself to plead for scraps of attention. I accepted the bare minimum until each guy I dated realized that I was someone who didn’t deserve respect. These things didn’t matter to me because I was so used to it.

Like an endless cycle, I would go through different guys and have the same thing happen to me again and again. My heart yearned for someone to love. My brain required an object of focus, for it to be filled with thoughts of someone else. I needed someone to fit into my love story so that we could start living out our happily ever after. I can make him so happy, but why won’t anyone want to be happy with me? I could give him everything he wanted, but why isn’t that enough?

I hate this. I despise that the pure love and care I’m willing to give is nothing but a burden. I’m furious at the fact that people are uncomfortable with real feelings, and would rather treat everything with indifference. I’m pathetic for choosing to believe lies and deceit because I was desperate in holding on to whatever I can.

I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one...

At the end of the day, everything that was said and done between us meant nothing in the first place. Forever was never on the table. The reality is from the very first day since we met, time was already running out. The “future” for men like this is but a prison sentence. They’ll do whatever they can to plead “not guilty” and continue to be free: free to break more innocent little hearts like mine.

And you know what? I’m tired of making a fool of myself. It’s exhausting trying to dumb myself down when I know full well that I deserve to be treated better. I’m smart so screw everyone else who thinks they could make a fool of me. The best thing I could do for myself now is to completely forget about them. To spend even a second thinking about them and wishing things could have gone differently is a complete waste of time.

If you would ask me now if I wanted a relationship? I would say, “It would be nice, but I don’t really need it”. My heart has found contentment in the nonexistence of fictional characters in romantic books and series. They’re enough to satisfy my romantic fantasies because I have yet to meet a man from this reality who’s willing to try.

I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one...

No, I am still not complete, but I don’t think I need anyone else to complete me. I’m a grown man, fully capable of figuring out my own issues. Yes, I’m alone, but I’m single and unbothered. Nobody cares about me and that’s completely alright. I’ve got more important things to worry about. I have to deal with the problems life keeps giving me that are way bigger than just another guy’s ego.

Happiness sneaks in from time to time, but now it comes from all directions. I’ve removed expectations because you can’t force things to happen just because you really want them to. I’m going forth into the future on my own without any idea of what’s going to happen, but I’m excited about the possibilities. I’m stronger than I ever was and I have the confidence that I will do just fine.

Screw a love story. How about some action? Let me at ’em! I’ve got nothing left to lose, baby.

I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one...

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25 thoughts on “I used to be so desperate for love and finding the one…”

  1. Christian, you are young. Spend this time learning about yourself, loving yourself, make something of yourself. If I spent my time wiser when I was younger I could have avoided such heartache. However, it did make me who I am today, and once I realized that my self-worth was WAAAAAYYY more important than the affection some guy could give me… I stopped looking for love. I didn’t think about boys, didn’t hang out with boys, and especially didn’t play with their toys. LOL For a year and a half it was just me. Working, saving money, me living my life, and then BAM I met my now fiance of 9 years. I think love happens when you stop trying to “force” something to happen and take that energy you would have wasted and put it to good use… You know on yourself. Also, If I hear you say one more time no one cares about you… Boooooy don’t make me come find you. US queens don’t talk like that baby! If you ever need to talk I am here for you and anyone else who stumbles across this comment.

    1. Christian Foremost

      OMG. Thank for you this message! Nakaka-kilig! That’s Filipino for making your heart giddy. 💖💖 I think things are gonna be alright😊😊

  2. Aw. This blog is very worth it to read and also I can relate to this because before I always wanted to have someone who really loves me and I did everything to make him stay but in the end it’s not enough. I realize that I don’t need to beg someone to love me because it is more important to love myself first and God will give us the right person in the right time!😊💞

  3. A happy fulfilling life is full of love yes, but not necessarily romantic love. My favourite nights were spent under the stars with friends, dancing and feeling love in other ways. Meditating, practicing yoga and feeling in love with the world and friends, family and those that have came and went, those yet to meet.

    I have fallen in love with coffee shops, with bars and cafes. With books, with life. There is so much more xxx


    From the sound of it, you haven’t met the right person. This will happen eventually but it helps to learn to be on your own first.

  5. Jursalyn Lhar Beatingo

    A perfect life is a life with God. True love comes in perfect time and with Gods Grace.
    For sure you will find this in the right time. But for now your true that being a single it doesn’t mean that your alone you have your family and you have God. Be happy of your life and be thankful of what you have.

  6. thankyou for sharing this blog, Napakalaking tulong po nito lalo na sa mga taong nag mamahal. Worth it to read po talaga, perfect din po talaga sa akin ito, minsan narin po akong nasaktan, Wala po talaga akong itinira sa sarili ko kaya umabot sa puntong nag laslas po ako. Pero nagsisisi po ako sa nagawa mo. Mahalaga po talaga na unahin nating mahalin ang sarili natin bago ang ibang tao.

  7. Joaquin Eli Bacod

    Yes no need na ng boyfriend lalo na kung sasaktan lang tayo . Madalas mas masaya pa ng mag isa lang tayo , kusang darating dn yan sa tamang panahon tamang pagkakataon at tamang tao 🤗❤️

  8. Love yourself more than you love someone,don’t need boys in life just to fullfil your heart. Nah ! You can be alone and free

  9. Yep, you don’t need a boyfriend. You could find happiness in silence and being unbothered. You could find it elsewhere OR it may come suddenly at you without warning. In the meantime, don’t be bothered by people around you trying to dictate their definition of whatever to you!

    GO! fighting!

  10. alam mo if you will back read my blog, mga 2006 siguro to 2009, ganyan akoooo gantong ganto mga blog ko. hahaha!!! di ko nga alam kung ito ba yung nakatadhana pero.. hahahahah!!!! baka baka… ughh

  11. Baka bigla kang mabulaga, haha! Usually, those who aren’t out looking are the ones who are found, haha. But love that you’re confidently single. If you can be happy on your own, you can also be happy in a relationship.

  12. Blair Villanueva

    Halos kaparehas ito ng ‘bakit wala ka pang baby?’. When you know yourself well, and love yourself first, you don’t have that ‘need’ to fulfill others’ expectations. Enjoy your amazing life and being YOU!

  13. A relationship is not always the answer to life’s woes. It’s a concept dictated by society. In the end, it doesn’t need validation. As long as you are happy, then you are fine.

  14. I feel you Christian, its a toxic cycle that i cannot imagine being in (again). Fu*ck the love story! who needs that sh*t when that story could end up like a horror movie.

    You will be perfectly fine and will be stronger than ever because you are not basing your happiness on someone, being with someone or being that someone.

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