My Blog is My Life
I know it sounds funny to talk about why I stopped writing, yet I’m here doing that exact thing as we speak. To give some of you guys context, I’ve consistently crafted blog posts every week for the past three years. I wrote about all kinds of stuff: lifestyle, pop culture, dating (oh those were the good days), mental health, and personal stories or thoughts as I reflected on life.
I used my blog as a platform to better understand myself and express my emotions in a way I could never do in the real world. No matter what I was going through maybe it be burnout from work, heartbreak from another one-sided affair, or just another existential crisis, I always had my blog to turn to. Writing an entry will make me feel better. It will help me see clearer.
My blog was a very personal space where I was able to channel my creativity to turn my dark and twisted thoughts into something that could weirdly inspire and excite other people. I was living my life through my blog because I legit wrote about everything. I revealed all about myself and used every interesting bit to gain the interest and attention of more readers.
Nobody Reads My Blog
To be honest, I’m sure nobody even noticed that I stopped writing. When you wrote as much as I did the past couple of years, you would be easily discouraged every time you looked at the low views behind each post. My content may be fresh and enjoyable to read, but it wasn’t relevant. Nobody cared about what I wrote. And even if I denied it, I did think I was deeply hurt by that reality. What I wrote was very personal and even if my intentions were good, I questioned if what I was doing was right. In a weird way, I felt like I was exploiting my own vulnerability for views. I was exposing my own feelings to other people who didn’t give two sh*ts.
I was also a nobody. Like, who was I to write about lifestyle? I wasn’t someone who had a fabulous life people should aspire to. Who was I to write about mental health? I’m no licensed therapist or mental health expert to give advice to people who were struggling. People didn’t know who I was and they never asked me to share my experience or what I learned in the first place. I didn’t know or empathize with their stories so why would anyone want the help I offered? I felt like a fraud who was unqualified to have written about the things that he did. I felt unworthy of the many positive feedback, praise, and admiration people have given me over the years. I had no right to be writing about myself when I no longer thought that I was that good of a person.
If you were from the outside looking into my life, you would think that it was perfect. A lot of blessings were coming one after the other and there were certainly numerous things to be grateful for. I was always diligent, the kind of person you could trust to achieve anything he sets his sights on. Everything that I have now, I’ve earned from the hard work I poured in over the years. That’s something I should definitely be proud of, right? A lot of good things were happening, yet I constantly found myself focusing on the things in life that I couldn’t have.
I pinned my expectations on things that I had no control over which inevitably lead to self-inflicted pain. It was a slap in the face realizing how I’ve crafted this whole other reality inside my head. The daydreams I escaped to were never going to be places I could actually go. The hope vanished from my arms’ reach when I confirmed that I was alone in wanting the future I pictured. I began questioning my thoughts and I could no longer hold on to the things I believed in. I was forced to look at myself not as how I wanted to be, but as the person who could no longer process the hurt he was feeling.
I Used My Blog as a Coping Mechanism
The reflective writing in my blog has contributed significantly to my growth as a person. I used every struggle and bad experience to shift my perspective and finally see the lesson behind each one. If I finally understood, I would feel okay. I could use what I learned to be a better person. I kept doing this again and again and it was surprisingly effective for a time.
Maybe it was the satisfaction of finishing up an article? Feeling really good about this new discovery distracted me from the pain I was feeling. You kinda feel like you finally had it all figured out so you must be okay now, right? What I somehow realized is, that I was using my writing to avoid the pain that was there. The high from a brilliantly written personal article was enough to push down whatever awful emotions I had at the moment.
The feels have a funny way of seeping out of you when you least expect it though. The trauma you thought you’ve resolved with a written piece or two resurface and you can act in an untoward way that surprises you.
There were so many emotions that I pushed down that I convinced myself were no longer there just because I wrote about them. There was a point where I had all of the answers. I knew full well the lessons and I understood from every possible perspective that there was from the experience I went through. I knew why they acted the way they did. I fully understood, but why did I still feel the way I did? I was hurt, broken, angry, and unhinged. I didn’t like the thoughts that I was having, and I was seeing sides of myself I could no longer deny.
I Started Therapy
I started talking to a therapist earlier this year. At first, I’ve been so motivated to fix myself because I wanted to be the best version there could be. There’s been a lot of personal growth that I’ve gone through just from the previous years alone, but there were still a lot of issues from the past that I was still dealing with. I wanted to address the trauma and work on resolving those issues so that I could be a perfect person. I wanted to continue growing and keep becoming better each day.
That goal of mine wasn’t as realistic or as achievable as I thought. Even when my target was clear, I realized that I couldn’t confront or address all of my deeply-rooted issues just because I wanted to. I couldn’t jump to be the best version of myself when there are parts of myself that I haven’t fully discovered or understood yet: the real parts.
Right now, I’m just in process of healing where I’m trying to be a bit more patient with myself. I’ve realized how there’s so much anger within me, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s been giving me the power and the courage to fight, question the things around me and stand up for what I think is right. I honestly think that I’m entering my bad b*tch era where I no longer give out apologies to anyone. I’m totally not thinking of myself as a goody-two-shoes person anymore, but someone who’s human and flawed. I’m allowing myself to make mistakes and face the consequences of my actions. I’m not doing anything bad or anything that’s negatively impacting myself or others. I’m just no longer wasting energy on people who don’t reciprocate it at the same level. I’m also letting go of habits and activities that serve no purpose in my life. I don’t think that I have time for that anymore.
In all honestly, the biggest thing that’s been keeping me from writing is work. I don’t have time for anything else anymore. My day job has been intense and I feel like it is quickly taking over my entire life in a way that I kind of knew it would. I wish that I could clone myself because the workload that I’m under is just not enough for one person to do anymore. Yes, I’m complaining, but it would be a total lie if I said that I didn’t like the pressure. Bring it on I always say and even if I barely have any bandwidth left.
I may not act like it, but I’m still young. Day by day I’m still growing. I just don’t want to rush the journey. I wanna figure out my own sh*t and experience life at my own steady pace. I want to discover more of myself as I change each day. I want to feel the way I feel without having to explain myself or rationalize anything. I’ve been in a stage of healing the past couple of months and now, I could say that I’m in a much better place. My focus shifted to trying to achieve independence and freedom in this economy. I know that sounds almost impossible to us corporate slaves, but I’m hoping it is something that’s on the horizon.
Mindfulness, nonattachment, the law of attraction, and serving a purpose bigger than myself. Those are the values that I’m trying to practice this year and I think that I am making good progress. Aside from those, I’m also trying to read more and consume knowledge and literature in a more enjoyable manner. Honestly with the 100+ blogs that I’ve written the past couple of years, I kind of feel like I’ve run out of words to write. Most of the time, I feel like I’m writing about the same things over and over again and I don’t want that. I want to open my mind up to more, challenge myself, and venture into new worlds I’ve never even imagined before. I want to be able to write confidently about the things that I know full well of without any doubt in my mind.
I’m Still Gonna Write
My therapist said that there was nothing wrong with writing my blog posts. It was a healthy outlet for my emotions she said. I guess I agree with her because even now, I’m proud of everything that I’ve written so far. I feel like I’ve captured what I was feeling at those points in my life, even if I no longer feel or think that way now. I don’t necessarily agree with all of the things that I’ve written, but now I’m looking at them as stories from someone who was growing up. They’ll certainly be some nice mementos to look back to over the years as I try to ponder about the good ‘ol days.
I’ll always be a writer even if I don’t get to do it as often. I’m actually working on a project at the moment, but I won’t tell you guys about it yet. Let me be all mysterious now and keep some secrets! Privacy, it’s this new thing I’m trying. Haha.
I will still write in my blog when I feel like it or when capitalists tap on my shoulder. I’m just rethinking the whole blogging thing and removing the pressure that I’ve placed on myself to post consistently, especially on social media. My work will always be here for anyone to read and I guess you could just subscribe if you want to keep updated whenever I actually post.
This really isn’t goodbye. Just more of a “See you when I see you” sort of thing. I’m not going to stop writing. I’m just leveling up: upgrading in all the best ways. I hope you’re as excited as me about what’s about to come next!
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