Spending most of my years growing up in the closet was a kind of torture I would never wish on anyone else. Hiding who I was for so long robbed me of the youth I could have and forced me to think that a future was not even a possibility. It was when I accepted my identity as a gay man and reached my hand out that I finally found freedom. I escaped from the mental prison that the closet was and felt the comfort of a home with the people who mattered.
I’ve come so far since then. I’m undeniably happier, more confident, more open to others, so freaking thirsty for the future, and excited for all of my dreams to come true!
Coming out of the closet as gay was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, but it was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. If you’d let me, I’d like to share some insight about coming out. These are lessons I’ve learned, and some advice that would have been really helpful for the once introverted quiet kid who liked The Little Mermaid a bit too much.
1. You don’t need to come out at all.
The first thing you should know is that it’s absolutely fine to not come out at all. People should respect that. You don’t owe anyone a confession and coming out doesn’t have to be this big deal. You don’t need a label to define your sexuality and it’s completely okay if you’re still figuring things out. Sexuality is a spectrum and you can take all the time to be sure.
One important thing though is that you’re not actively hiding who you are. I guess for someone like me, I needed to actually come out because I was actively suppressing myself. I was so used to pretending to be someone I’m not that I didn’t have an identity of my own. That was brutal and such a waste of a person.
You shouldn’t try so hard to lie or pretend to be somebody else, especially to the people you love. The paranoia of wanting to keep such a big secret to yourself can greatly limit your potential and make you pass up on so many great opportunities. Try not to care about what other people would say and just express yourself as naturally as you can. Be yourself unapologetically and take life by the balls. Pun intended! Haha.
2. Take your time.
I was in the closet for so many years until the first few years of college and I didn’t tell my parents until about my second year working. Such a long time, right? At the back of my mind, I kept thinking that I wasn’t ready then. I felt like I needed to prove myself first by finishing school and showing them that I could make it on my own? I’m not sure if it makes sense, but we all have our own reasons. Sometimes, we just have to let things play out, or see where our choices today take us in the future.
It’s okay if you’re not ready yet. Just enjoy your time and take your own journey. Trust that you will get there and know that whatever happens, you will get past this. The important thing is YOU get to decide when the time is right.
3. Come out to one person first.
It helps to talk to someone. It helps to talk about it. So if you’re not ready to tell your parents or the world just yet, tell one person. It’s less difficult to handle the reaction of one person. You’ll feel less alone when you let someone else in. You will feel so much lighter, knowing that you’re no longer carrying this secret by yourself.
Talk to your closest friend about it or maybe even a stranger. Just unload or unburden yourself to a person who you think will understand. He/she may even understand you better than you can understand yourself right now. It will feel so good to just let it out.
4. Assess your situation. Do you think it’s safe?
I feel like you’ve really come out when you tell your parents already. Yes, I can relate to how scary that idea is. I mean, I came out to my parents 4 years after coming out to one friend. I do have another friend who didn’t even need to come out because he lived in a house where he felt safe to act like himself at a young age. See? Everyone’s situation is different and we have circumstances in our own lives that make it seem easy or extremely difficult to come out.
For some people, it is not an option to come out because their families might kick them out of the house, disown them, or beat them up. You may not imagine parents doing that to their children, but the reality is, some still do this today. The fear that something bad will happen is valid, and we’re just humans who must do what we have to to survive. Try your best to hold on. There is light at the end of the tunnel and after a bit of time, things will get easier.
5. Do it in your own way. How do you best communicate?
It’s going to be the hardest thing you’re ever going to say. The words: “I’m Gay” are so hard to push out of your throat so how will you even explain yourself afterward? How will you handle their reaction? You could rehearse an entire speech in your head over and over again, but there’ll still be that 99% possibility that you’ll completely blank out when the time comes.
I personally did not do this because I do not handle face-to-face confrontations well. So instead, I had to be smart and just communicate the message to them in the best way I knew how: through writing. I came out to my parents using a blog post. I wrote everything that I’ve been through and everything I ever wanted to say to them. I laid out my entire story from start to finish and poured my feelings straight from my heart. I sent it to them and left to go see a 3-hour movie with my phone off. After the movie, I opened my phone and received messages from my parents. Then, I knew that I still had a place to come home to.
Read Out and About: A Coming Out Story
So that’s my suggestion. Communicate the message in a way that suits you. It may be through an intimate conversation over dinner, a personal letter, a simple gesture, or even a grand performance. Totally up to you. Whatever is most comfortable and feels right to you. Make it your guys’ moment because it will be a special one to cherish forever.
6. Allow your loved ones time to process.
Once you’ve done it, you need to give your parents some time to process it. You have to understand that your parents are also humans and it might come as a shock to them. It might also take some time for them to understand. No matter what their reaction is, you just have to be proud that you’ve already said it and they already know. Your part of the deal is over. Know that there will always be love in there for you. Be patient. When your parents get to see more of the real you, they’ll slowly understand. It will be easier soon.
7. Live freely now. Totally lots more to discover about yourself!
It will be a huge relief once you’ve come out and you’ll feel like you can finally live out your own life. Express yourself freely wherever you are and around whoever. Love who you want to love. Stand for what you truly believe is right. Continuously get to know yourself more and more. Grow, learn, experience your every day and make special moments with the people you love.
Should I give you a little spoiler though? Life is still difficult after coming out. You’ll still go through some other challenges and trials in life. You will still hate yourself, think you’re not enough, and feel like you don’t belong sometimes. That’s just life for you! But, you know what? It’s going to be fine because you’ve you can handle anything. You’re stronger than you know. You’ve already proven that.
I dream of a future where stigma and discrimination are completely eradicated and humans can freely express themselves however they like. Wouldn’t it be wonderful for a little kid to grow up in a world where he/she/they feels safe to be whoever he/she/they want to be and love whoever he/she/they want to love? We’ve come so far as a people and it’s heartwarming to see that we may be heading in the right direction.
Happy Pride Month Everyone. Love you all. There’s always a lot of love to go around.
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