Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
It was supposed to go like this.
A rainy night and my tiny umbrella. Christmas lights are blinking different colors, serving as our guide as we venture onward. I shiver from the cold so you put your one arm around my shoulder and pull me closer toward you. Cinnamon. I smell cinnamon mixing with the earthly scent of rain pouring on the grass we walk on. We can barely fit in this tiny umbrella, but at this very moment, it’s where I feel the safest. This is where I feel the surest.
We find shelter underneath a tree in the middle of the park. The thick foliage shields us from the view of people far away. Suddenly it feels like it’s only the two of us standing in an empty world. I close my tiny umbrella and wipe the fog off my glasses. But even when I put it back on, it is still too dark to make anything out. The only thing I can see is your round eyes. I catch you staring and I wonder what you must be thinking about. If I could pry your head open and get inside your brain, I would. But like always, I can never tell what’s going on in there.
“It’s going to be extra hard for you to catch a ride home tonight with this rain,” I mutter underneath my mask.
“It’s alright. I can wait. I’m not in a rush,” you reply pulling yours down to your chin.
“Are you sure?” I ask. It’s only the two of us so I carefully remove my mask for the time being.
“How about you? How will you get home?” you find a bench to sit on. I didn’t even see that it was there.
“I’ll figure it out. Mind if I keep you company?” I ask, taking the seat next to you.
“I don’t mind,” you let out a deep breath and look out into the open space. It was still raining rain, but somehow we could still hear each other clearly. The rest of the world seems so far away from where I’m sitting.
“What are your plans for the new year?” I ask, tilting my head as I watch you answer.
“I don’t know. I want to start living independently. I think it’s time. You?”
“Hmm. I want a car and a house and money and success. I want a lot of things,” I laugh. I want what everybody else wants in life I guess. And, I admit that I envy people who just get life handed to them. For the rest of us, it’s close to impossible to even have all of these things even if we work to the bone.
“All of that for next year? Just one year?” you ask with a hint of amusement in your voice.
“Why not?” I answer back, all confident and proud.
“I know it’s a lot, but if I put my mind to something, I can make it happen unlike..” I trail off.
“Unlike?” you’re repeating me.
“I don’t know? Things you can’t really control?
I can work hard. If I want a car, I can save up enough money. If I don’t know how to drive, I can learn and practice. I work and learn. I do that every day.
But, I can’t read someone’s mind or make things happen just because I want them to.”
“Why? What is it that you want to happen?” you ask.
I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while. It’s been torture carrying this around in my head for more than a week. Most nights, I can’t sleep. Some mornings, I wake up early with thoughts of doing this seeping their way into my mind before I even open my eyes.
I think you know what I’m about to say. You’re smart and I know you’ve figured it out about now. You know how I feel, but I have no clue whatsoever how you feel. I want you to feel the same way. As pathetic as I may sound, I want you to please feel the same way.
“I want you,” I tell you this as I look into your eyes and caress your cheek.
“This is what I want to happen.” I place a kiss on your forehead and then, look right back into your eyes that are still questioning.
“I’ve liked you for a while now. Ever since I’ve met you actually. It was a crush at first, a simple one. But as more time passed by and I got to know you, my feelings grew. You grew on me. Your roots dug deeper and deeper into my heart as I watered it with wishes of what could be.
I liked how you treat the people around you. How you’re always willing to help and make everyone feel seen even at your own expense. I admire your skills and your intellect. I could only hope that you would share with me whatever else is going on inside your head.
But more than anything, I respect you. I would always support you and help you grow if that’s what you need. I know that whatever dreams you have for the future, you’re no doubt going to achieve them. I believe in you so much.
But I’m not telling you all of this because I need an answer from you. This is just how I feel. How I’ve always felt actually. And, I just wanted you to know that I do care about you, deeply.”
That’s everything I want to say.
I blink. But when I look into your eyes, there was nothing there.
Nothing but darkness. I look around and I’m alone.
I’m alone like it never happened. We were never there.
The story I shared is what I wanted to happen. And that’s only one of the infinite number of scenarios that I prayed our circumstances that day would have led to. If only the universe has given way…
It was all in my head. As beautiful as this mind of mine is, it’s a torturous hell. It’s a constant pain to live with a wild and fast-paced imagination I can’t step the brakes on. I’ve written a story too good for my reality to even contain and the only one who’s ever going to hear about it is me.
Because it was all in my head.
The truth is everything is the same and nothing has changed at all. I still don’t have any answers and the future seems dimmer as the chances of us slowly fade away with time.
Any thought of you makes me happy, but I can’t keep fooling myself with fantasies or false mental pictures.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. If something will even happen…
So, I’ll leave it here. I’ll leave everything here and hope I’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay, right?
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