I’m Christian Foremost, a Filipino Blogger/Writer/Podcaster and mental health advocate who writes personal stories of growth, life advice, and refreshing perspectives to inspire you to love yourself. I promote daily journaling as a healthy outlet to express and explore one’s honest thoughts and feelings. The path towards self-discovery and actualization starts by acknowledging your truths and facing your problems head-on.
This isn’t working. This isn’t working and I don’t know what to do anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, it seems like we’ve gotten a bit lost. Also, we’ve run out of fuel and the train is slowly coming to a halt.
The journey started a couple of years ago and truly, we’ve come a long way! In my head, I could still picture our destination clear as day. I thought I knew how to get there, but maybe I was fooling myself when I thought I had it all figured out. Apparently, I don’t have what it takes. I’m just not “it” and maybe that’s something I should just accept at this point?
The Reality of the World We Live In
In a society ruled by social media where your worth is based on what thousands of strangers on the internet think about you, I sometimes feel like everything I put out is a waste. Nobody cares what I write about. Nobody cares about what I say. Hell, I’m sure most people don’t even know that I exist. So what if I’ve never stopped posting blogs every week for years and years? Nobody asked me to do that so I’m sure nobody would even notice if one of these days, I suddenly decide to ditch the whole thing…
For the right people, things seem to come naturally and easy even. They just have to show their pretty faces and then fame, money, and good fortune just get handed to them. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people, but I just feel frustrated and defeated. It sucks to feel like the hard work and energy you put in doing something you love, amounts to nothing in the eyes of the world.
That’s the harsh reality we live in and I hate that I arrived at a place when I can no longer deny it. Life is tricky because you keep hoping for things to get better and with time, they do. But at the same time, life challenges us with more and more problems. Things get harder, especially as an adult. Like, why is our freaking survival largely dependent on how much money we earn?
In this capitalist society of ours, the only people who are truly free are the rich. The rich have the privilege to not only live comfortably but also go after their passion or whatever dream they have, may it be a profession or a business venture. They only get richer while it’s almost impossible for the people in the low to medium class to rise above no matter how hard they work in their corporate jobs. You might suggest starting your own business to get rich, but only a handful of lucky people make it big and actually become successful.
Should I just give up?
Trust me when I say that I tried everything I can every single minute of my waking hours here on earth. From the moment I started, I never stopped moving and trying to think outside the box. If I don’t know how to do something, I pick it up even if I have to start from scratch. I consistently try to improve, but as more time passes by, I feel like the more mistakes I make. I also fit more and more tasks into my routine until I hardly have time to breathe and relax. I can’t allow myself that luxury of time. More, more and more. Always more and more and more, but why is none of it even amounting to enough?
These might all sound like complaints to you and I’m sorry. I needed to get these things out of my system to truly figure out what I’m feeling. The only person thinking these things is probably just me. I do know that people read my work and a couple of them have reached out over the years with sweet messages of gratitude. I truly appreciate those messages and I also thank you for allowing me to understand myself in front of you guys, even if I don’t have any advice to offer most of the time. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to how we just put a lot of pressure on ourselves. It’s unfair and we should really need to be more patient and understanding. Like, it’s probably obvious to you guys that I just need a break.
What I’m choosing to do instead….
So I what am I choosing to do about this? Will I stop in my tracks and quit while I’m ahead?
And the answer is “Hell No!”. I’m exhausted and burnt out sure, but I am not quitting. As much as I’ve complained about the struggle, I have also grown attached to it in a weird and twisted way. Like, the challenge forces me to keep pushing. I just had to recalibrate my perspective about what I want for my blog, what I’m doing, and where it’s heading.
Why did I start in the first place?
I’m sick and tired of trying to fit into this mold and be successful by society’s standards. So what if I’m in debt and don’t earn money from what I do? So what if I post something on social media and get 0 views? So what if I write hundreds and hundreds of blogs, and not one person reads them? Why should I let that bother me? If I try to look back and think of why started this whole thing, what I truly wanted was to have a place to write. And up until this day, I still have that. As long as I still get to write, I’ll be alright. Screw the numbers and algorithms of the internet. I don’t have to try so hard to be relevant or be what the internet needs me to be. My blog and everything I write is purely ME and that’s all I really need to be.
Whenever the dark thoughts come saying “Nobody reads your blog anyway”, I’ll just shift my perspective. I’ll use it as an advantage. Like if nobody cares and then, I can write whatever the hell I want to write about and say what I want to say. I can be genuinely me and keep working on my own personal growth journey, without thinking about what other people will say. Of course, you guys will always be welcome to come along. We don’t need the train to be cramped full to enjoy the ride, right?
Cutting out the Excess
Another thing to do is to trim down and cut out all of the unnecessary tasks from my daily routines that prove no value to me or hold no significance in my vision whatsoever. I’ve noticed that I sort of do a lot of things. I have a lot of interests that keep growing outward. I want to learn everything and I want to be everything. But no human is capable of all of that so I’ll be narrowing them down. I have to learn how to say “No”, even to my overly-excited self.
I’m letting go of the things that I’m not good at and focusing on the strengths that I can continuously improve on. Nobody is a perfect person so we have to accept that we have weaknesses. I used to try and patch up everything, working on my weaknesses until they become my strengths. So far, I have realized that I can’t keep trying to force myself to be everything I need to be. So now I’m thinking of sticking to what I know best and improving on those so I can finally be the best.
When Stars Align
I was scrolling through Tiktok for hours one afternoon as one does in quarantine while quietly blaming himself for everything that’s bad in the world. This is what the girl in the video said:
“This is how you’ll know that something is not meant for you. It will not be easy. Not in the sense of being scared of a bit of hard work or feeling like you just have to put in a little more effort than you’d like to. But in the sense of being energetically blocked every single time you try to move forward towards it.
If something is meant for you, things just seem to click together. Doors just spontaneously open. Things feel good. They feel serendipitous. It feels preplanned even though it’s spontaneous.
When something’s difficult, it feels like you’re moving upstream. Like you’re pushing against this resistance energy. Trying to make something work that just is not working from any direction. Your job in these moments is to surrender and allow the surrender to move you downstream.
Stop fighting against currents that are too hard. You’ll realize how futile that was when you find what’s truly meant for you. “
–@haleyhoffmansmith on Tiktok
I feel like most of the time, I’m like that. I’m also forcing things to happen because I’m so focused on the goals that I want for myself. But in life, you have to go with the flow and swim with the current. Then when the timing is right, things will happen in your life one after the other. And, I’m looking forward to those moments when the stars align. I’ll just be doing my own thing, going with the flow, and enjoy this sweet ride. I wonder where this will take me? I think it’s gonna be great.
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