Why I Have to Disappear from Your Life

This piece was also published in THOUGHT CATALOG

You can also watch this Spoken Word performance of the piece. Hope you guys like it!

Why I have to Disappear from your Life

I’m glad it happened. I didn’t know it would be the last time we’d talk, but I realize that I no longer needed your words. I understand now and it’s okay. I was happy to have seen you for who you truly were and it was nice to finally meet you.

You were always a good guy and you never wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t your fault that I was already hurting. I’ve been in agony all the time before that moment. The hope of you put my heart in such pain. The longing and the suffering, wondering if you would ever feel the same way.

I look back to words you said, the stories you told and the promises you made. I still remember them fondly, but I see them under a different light now. You did not ask for me to come into your life and maybe I shouldn’t have forced my way into the door. I’m sorry for that. I thought I was helping, by listening and by being there for you. I would do anything just to make you laugh. Tell me, did I at least make you smile?

One time, you admitted to a lie I was already convinced to be true. I forgave you right away because I would believe anything you said. I would forgive you when you forgot. I would forgive you for things you unknowingly did that broke my heart. I would forgive you. I would forgive you the second I called out and you came back.

You never lied to me again, but you also stopped telling me everything. The waiting and the wondering drove me insane and I tried so hard to convince myself that I was okay. I was okay because I wanted to stay so bad. I wanted to be there by your side even when you weren’t reaching for me anymore.

Deep within a night when I couldn’t sleep and you woke up early, I took a chance and you obliged. I honestly just wanted to talk, and I finally had the right questions to ask. Thank you for being truthful and confirming my suspicions. You woke me up from my delusion. My vision was suddenly crystal clear and I began to see things as they were.

I saw you and I listened. For once, I listened to the words you were saying and not the words I wanted to hear. You were not the same guy I had in my head. You were a real person and I finally understood that. You had a life I didn’t know of and I guess, will never be a part of anymore.

I know that you did care about me, but not in that way that I hoped you did. It’s not your fault. Again, it was mine. I cared and appreciated you, maybe a little too much. I didn’t mind always giving and giving, but I should have noticed how you didn’t even need me to begin with.

You made a promise that you were not going to leave me behind. I still believe you. So, it has to be my choice to go. I’ve overstayed my welcome and I should just leave. We never wanted this to happen, but maybe this was always the way it was supposed to end.

You probably didn’t even notice how I’ve disappeared, and that doesn’t matter to me anymore. Let’s forget those promises and let things go. You don’t owe me anything, not even a goodbye.

There’s a sense of peace one feels by accepting reality as it is. That’s the gift you’ve given me, but freedom is what I’m choosing to give to myself. What I need is time on my own to heal from the hurt, pain and suffering I’ve put myself through. The next time I find love, it will be real and deserving.

For now, there’s no need to worry about me because for the first time, I can undeniably say that I will be okay. Finally.

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19 thoughts on “Why I Have to Disappear from Your Life

  1. “There’s a sense of peace one feels by accepting reality as it is” I agree. This one goes for love and life. It’s weird how open letters take me back to the days when I used to do free writing about love and emotions. I used to submit articles on Thought Catalogue, too. And Christian, this piece is really beautiful and I love how you freed yourself in the end that you finally said that you’re okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. there really are people who come to our life just for a season. some for a reason but some for all time. pag me ganyan sakin, iniisip ko na lang eh it happened because it was meant to happen. i met the person to help me learn and grow

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, you’ll be okay. But don’t rush, it’s a process that you have to go through. Sometimes, healing takes time. Know when to stop and get up. Don’t succumbed. May you find comfort in such time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this piece! For all its worth, I am glad that you are learning to be tough and be firm and loving more of yourself. Whoever that person is, doesn’t deserves you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Na-trigger naman ako dito. I once saw myself in this situation and it was the shi*ttiest feeling ever. Some are deceitful and others are dishonest about their intentions. I was furious and almost wanted to ‘revenge’ but I let it go. I admire you for being kind and not wishing them bad – And that you’re focusing more on your well-being. Yes, you will be okay Christian.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Some people just come and go. and I totally understand how hard it is and what you’re feeling is valid. It’s also good that you are acknowledging your pain. That’s the first step for healing. You will ba okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Everything happens for a reason. May mga darating at aalis sa buhay natin at may dahilan ang lahat ng yan, pwedeng turuan tayo ng mga lessons sa buhay na magagamit natin sa hinaharap. Ang mahalaga lang diyan ay maging okay ka.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hoyyy ako ba tong nagsulat hahahaha feel na feel ko eh. “You had a life I didn’t know of and I guess, will never be a part of anymore”. </3 😦 I'm delighted that you'll finally be okay. Like season people change.

    Liked by 1 person

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