This piece was also published in THOUGHT CATALOG
Why I have to Disappear from your Life
I’m glad it happened. I didn’t know it would be the last time we’d talk, but I realize that I no longer needed your words. I understand now and it’s okay. I was happy to have seen you for who you truly were and it was nice to finally meet you.
You were always a good guy and you never wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t your fault that I was already hurting. I’ve been in agony all the time before that moment. The hope of you put my heart in such pain. The longing and the suffering, wondering if you would ever feel the same way.
I look back to words you said, the stories you told and the promises you made. I still remember them fondly, but I see them under a different light now. You did not ask for me to come into your life and maybe I shouldn’t have forced my way into the door. I’m sorry for that. I thought I was helping, by listening and by being there for you. I would do anything just to make you laugh. Tell me, did I at least make you smile?
One time, you admitted to a lie I was already convinced to be true. I forgave you right away because I would believe anything you said. I would forgive you when you forgot. I would forgive you for things you unknowingly did that broke my heart. I would forgive you. I would forgive you the second I called out and you came back.
You never lied to me again, but you also stopped telling me everything. The waiting and the wondering drove me insane and I tried so hard to convince myself that I was okay. I was okay because I wanted to stay so bad. I wanted to be there by your side even when you weren’t reaching for me anymore.
Deep within a night when I couldn’t sleep and you woke up early, I took a chance and you obliged. I honestly just wanted to talk, and I finally had the right questions to ask. Thank you for being truthful and confirming my suspicions. You woke me up from my delusion. My vision was suddenly crystal clear and I began to see things as they were.
I saw you and I listened. For once, I listened to the words you were saying and not the words I wanted to hear. You were not the same guy I had in my head. You were a real person and I finally understood that. You had a life I didn’t know of and I guess, will never be a part of anymore.
I know that you did care about me, but not in that way that I hoped you did. It’s not your fault. Again, it was mine. I cared and appreciated you, maybe a little too much. I didn’t mind always giving and giving, but I should have noticed how you didn’t even need me to begin with.
You made a promise that you were not going to leave me behind. I still believe you. So, it has to be my choice to go. I’ve overstayed my welcome and I should just leave. We never wanted this to happen, but maybe this was always the way it was supposed to end.
You probably didn’t even notice how I’ve disappeared, and that doesn’t matter to me anymore. Let’s forget those promises and let things go. You don’t owe me anything, not even a goodbye.
There’s a sense of peace one feels by accepting reality as it is. That’s the gift you’ve given me, but freedom is what I’m choosing to give to myself. What I need is time on my own to heal from the hurt, pain and suffering I’ve put myself through. The next time I find love, it will be real and deserving.
For now, there’s no need to worry about me because for the first time, I can undeniably say that I will be okay. Finally.
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