2021 Year-End Review: The Year I Lost Hope and Found Something Else

I’m Christian Foremost, a Filipino Blogger/Writer/Podcaster and mental health advocate who writes personal stories of growth, life advice, and refreshing perspectives to inspire you to love yourself. I promote daily journaling as a healthy outlet to express and explore one’s honest thoughts and feelings. The path towards self-discovery and actualization starts by acknowledging your truths and facing your problems head-on.

Here we are again nearing the end of a year with 2022 just around the corner. You know what? I’m actually proud of us that we got through it. The pandemic is still not over, but we’re seeing the end of this nightmare and I’m excited to get back to the old normal we used to have. A lot of things have changed for sure, but I’m looking forward to the near future where we can all be a bit freer. I miss spending time outside of the house for as long as I want. I’m nostalgic for the comforting company of other living human beings. I want the new year to be a time where we can be with one another without any worries about the virus or any other circumstance that forces us to be apart. I wanna hug my friends, go to parties as we dance the night away, and watch a movie in the cinema as my date reaches out to hold my hand. Let’s build fun memories with the people we love outside under the sun and let time just pass us by. 

2021 was worse

The onset of 2021 was not at all great. Actually, things got worse and things just kept getting worse even beyond the middle of the year. You guys lived through the same year I did so I won’t go through much detail about what happened, but I am gonna say that this was the year that I lost hope.

The funny thing about not having hope anymore is how it’s actually quite peaceful. You see, when you hope for something to happen, you’re setting yourself up for hurt or disappointment. You want something so bad, that you focus all of your thoughts and energy on it. You want it now, but there’s nothing you can do because the situation is already out of your control. So you wait. You wait and hold your breath. But, you can only hold your breath for so long until you can’t take it anymore. If you keep holding your breath and waiting for much longer, you’re slowly killing yourself already.

I thought that hope was what was keeping me going. I kept picturing the future with expectations that if the pandemic was just over, things could finally start happening. I held onto hope every day even when I saw nothing but bad news on the internet. I held onto hope even as things got worse and I found myself finding it harder to breathe every day because of my anxiety.

What broke me was coming so close to one thing that I was hoping for, and then it being snatched away from me at the last minute. Hoping for the things that I thought were going to save me, ended up killing me. I have lost hope already and I ventured through every day already expecting nothing but the worse as if it was inevitable. I kept with the daily routine because that was how I knew how to live my life now. I kept moving, but nothing meant anything anymore. Time was passing by and I felt nothing but the emptiness of the void that was sucking me in. I was a prisoner of my own mind and I’ve surrendered my will to live. I’ve done everything that was within my control and I knew that there was nothing more I could do.

Isolation is not how humans were created to live on this earth. We aren’t built to be in bed without seeing even a glimpse of the sun for months on end. My soul died in the room I was in and the thing I needed to do was leave and go far away.

What I needed

I needed the distance, the wide-open space, the fresh air, the blinding hot sun, and the smiles and laughter of people around me to revive the soul that I thought was dead. This year has been tough and I lost a lot of myself from hoping for things to happen and expecting people to do better. These things were out of my control and if there was one thing that the realities of our situation in 2021 have thought me was to let go.

I surrendered the things that I had no control over and I let go of things I was forcing myself to be. There was so much self-discovery that happened to me this year that was brought about not by my daily journaling or self-reflection. Surprisingly, I got to get to know myself better by looking at myself from an outsider’s perspective and talking to other people openly about what was going on in my mind.

Getting to know myself more

I noticed how I was code-switching or altering my personality depending on the environment or the people I’m with. There were so many versions of Christian at that point I was having trouble keeping up with each of them. The reason I felt like I was hitting a roadblock in my personal development was that I had so many alter-egos that I was trying to work on to be better. But then I realized, why was I keeping them separate? Why can’t I take the best parts of my many alter-egos and build the best Christian there was for every environment present for all the world to see.

So yeah. Right now, I’m in a good place. I’m slowly building the best Christian there ever was by getting the best parts from all Christians and letting go of the parts that were no use for me. I am intertwining who I am at work, who I am on the internet, who I am when I write in my blog, and who I am when I’m around family until I come up with the most authentic Christian there could ever be.

I’ve started Podcasting

I’ve started podcasting this year and I cannot tell you guys how much good it has brought into my life. It has improved my verbal abilities significantly, challenging me to think on my feet and interpret my complicated thoughts in a way that other people could understand. Aside from engaging in intellectual and profound conversations, I’m also finding myself learning how to talk to people in a way that is entertaining. It’s weird that now, I finally understand my self-deprecating and sometimes dirty kind of humor. More than that though, my podcast has allowed me to open my mind and it has been such a rewarding opportunity to interview guests from different walks of life and learn from their unique perspectives. I’m excited to continue on this path and hope that with every episode, I not only improve my podcasting but also learn how to be a more understanding and empathetic person.

I discovered what I am not

I’m not sure most of you guys know how impulsive I am and one of the most out of the blue things that I did this year was to try to be a gamer. I made a big investment and tried to fall down the rabbit hole of gaming. What happened? Well, I tried it for a couple of months, but there were more months where I barely touched my console because I did nothing but work. Also, I wasn’t having fun with gaming at all so I eventually sold my console and all of the games I bought. It just wasn’t me. I wasn’t a gamer. I was a reader and I’d rather settle inside a character’s mind as their story unfolds rather than try to complete each level of a game. So I went back to what I loved doing as a child and now, I read more books and I feel more fulfilled and happy doing that for hours in a day. 

I’m still single

I really thought that 2021 was the year I was going to find love. Weird isn’t it? I was emotionally healed from my past trauma and I claimed that this year was when I’ll find the love that I deserved in this world. But yeah instead of finding a guy who would accept the love I was willing to give, I ended up going through an endless string of ghosting and rejections. I’ve entirely given up on online dating apps and now prefer being single than pointlessly flirting with another guy who would just leave anyway. I am no longer looking for love or the one because I know for a certainty that it will come. Or, if it’s already here, the perfect time will come. I want a love that is slow, sure and meant to be.

I’m willing to be patient and build anticipation. I’m no longer forcing things to happen or stopping myself from making mistakes. I’m going along with the flow, enjoying the ride knowing that it will take me to the love worthy of the love I give.

How things are now

That has been 2021 for me so far. I got to travel, start my podcast, learn and develop more of myself through being more open to other people. As for “hope” and “expectations”, those words still mean nothing to me. I don’t care for them anymore. At this point in my life at 24 years old, I found a better perspective that is more fitting. I’m open to the possibilities that lie ahead, knowing that the work that I do to improve myself every day will lead me to the dream I have. I receive the present moment that comes and let it go. Sound very hippie right?

I’m in a really good place in my life and I’m endlessly thankful for all of the blessings that me, my family and my friends have had this year. I’m lucky for having the best friends in the world. Even if I do disappear into my head for most of the time, I know that they are still there and I’m learning to be more present. I’m thankful for my work and the wonderful team I work with every day. I’ve noticed how people are mirrors of each other so it is important to surround yourself with positive people you can learn from and inspire you to do your best work every day.

I’m no longer too hung up on the future or the final destination because right now, the journey I’m going through is pretty damn fantastic. It won’t be like this forever so I’m cherishing every moment. I can do slow and I can be patient. I know that uncertainty will bring a ton of challenges, but I trust that we will thrive and get past it. We have done so with many before already and there’s no doubt that we will get through it. There’s a lot more to be excited for and I can merry as well enjoy the time I have getting there. Right now it’s pretty great and it’s about to get even better.

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